They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
