She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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