Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
