I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
