Just fell off a train. Bad.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
