Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
