Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
