I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
