The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Did I show you my penis last night?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
