that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
