She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize