does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
