How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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