It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
