I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
