I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
