just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
