oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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