What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
