hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
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