a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
