and my herpes radar will keep us safe
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
