When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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