glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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