Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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