I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
