So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
