I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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