My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
