If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
