I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
