You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
