Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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