I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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