Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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