i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
