I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
