Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize