Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We're too hungover to prance.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
