i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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