paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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