i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
