i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I intend to get homeless drunk
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
