It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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