awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
