Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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