Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you would pick up someone in the library
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
