I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
