I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
How's work?
Spinning.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
