Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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