I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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