yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize