i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
