On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
