It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
