I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
