he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
