I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
