Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize