somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
