Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
